28 January 2014

healing is real

by Stephanie Earls

I'm sometimes asked why I teach yoga/what brought me to the practice. While there are a million reasons - and just one - all at the same time, what is important to say is that I am compelled to share the practice and empower others because as I stand present in my life, whether in a class or in my kitchen, I am living proof that healing is real. This is a miracle. 

For ten years I suffered through life with Crohn's Disease; an incapacitating, inflammatory bowel disease which makes living hard. Life with disease/dis-ease of any sort is ridden with anxiety, pain (physical and emotional), distress and exhaustion.  It can be difficult to carry out even the most basic human functions like eating, drinking and sleeping. There are complications of disease which in my case included incessant diarrhea, kidney stones, bladder infections, chronic indigestion and arthritis (to name some). My whole body hurt. Daily. I felt weak. My mind was discouraged. It felt hard to find space to breathe, let alone eat well or sleep well or regenerate. Despite a brave face, I wanted OUT of my body most moments of most days for ten years. There was said to be "no cure".

During those years I obsessively searched for tools to cope with living with disease. Some brought temporary reprieve while others felt like flimsy band-aids that I bled through in seconds. Five years into my diagnosis I was told that by ten years later I would not have a colon.

That sobering thought was unacceptable to me and I decided to think something different so that I could live something different. Then, rather than seeking out tools to cope, I sought out tools to heal.  (I came to know that the most powerful tool to heal is in us.) With this new vision to heal, a shift happened. 

I became aware that my most comforting reprieve came while practicing yoga. I practiced at home. It was not fancy or flashy. I didn't wear sexy yoga clothes. I was on my family room floor usually in pjs while my babies slept or coo-ed (IF they slept or coo-ed). I practiced slowly and gently for 5 minutes or 25 minutes. 

When I practiced, the overwhelming moments of wishing to get out of my body began to quiet.  Yoga gave me the chance to find space and comfort in myself.  This worked better than any "medicine" to help me be at ease.  Yoga met me where I was; it came to me and held me tenderly while my body was weak, tired and sore. It was still waiting for me if I had to get up out of a pose to go to the bathroom or feed my babies. It was unconditional love.

This encouraged and inspired me to practice more. With each visit to the practice I filled a reservoir of nourishment. I fortified my innate faith in the body's ability to mend and heal and regenerate so that years later when even advanced medicines (and I was on GOBS of meds) failed to bring me the slightest relief, something in me which was nurtured by the practice piped up and said "you can heal".  I connected to my intuitive and unwavering knowingness that I could stop chasing short term fixes and heal for real.

So I committed myself to the vision to heal. And I did.

The going was slow.  This gave me time to realize that my body, in all its aches and fighting itself, was letting me know it needed something I was not giving it: my presence. Which is love.  I delved deeper into yoga, all its facets, using the body to become aware and training the mind and breath to support the body. Navigating that path was equal parts calm and chaos. It sometimes felt cyclical. I sometimes felt cynical. Yet the steady friend/compassionate mother that yoga is completely changed my relationship to myself. It gave me a place to be still and safe and create space. It gave me a chance when things felt as if they were whirring around in the cycle, to sit still and let the cycle swirl without me putting myself into the tizzy with it. 

As I created space, I could breathe and as I breathed, life regenerated itself in every cell in my body.  As my cells regenerated, disease dissolved and so did the parts of my life that did not support my health. The path was slow and windy but my vision was steady on healing. I reaffirmed my intentions daily, regardless of how things looked in the meantime. I chose to see everything as part of the healing: every "relapse" every cramp, every doubt, every discomfort.

I used every day to reaffirm my commitment to heal and not settle for anything less that the best.

From there it became about repetition: making friends with my body, my mind, and my quest for health and trusting that everything that happened once I had committed to heal was for my life. This was a challenge because as I healed, anything that was not life affirming dropped away. Anything unsupportive of health, faded. This meant enduring serious life changes on all fronts: physical, mental, emotional. Relationships that did not bring me to life went away. Thoughts that hurt were broken down and corrected. Emotions flared until I could embrace rather than numb or ignore them. This was a true test of being my own best friend. Yoga helped keep me steady through it all and functioned as scaffolding while I laid a foundation - for life - on health, and built myself anew. 

With my course set and intention to heal, I left the details up to the universe/god/light/love, to mystery...I decided to trust. I decided to keep the faith. I trusted that my sense of healing was true and that my body knew how to do its work without me thinking so much about the how.  I stopped letting my mind try to think it was the boss and put my faith in the power of my intuition and my body's innate ability to be life. I reestablished the reality that life and love always prevail.

My life changed. The pain stopped. Trips to the bathroom became healthy, all of my vital organs balanced out and every symptom that I ever had over the years prior ceased. I returned to being able to take long plane rides and short trips to get ice cream. I weaned off meds. Completely.

Healing has been simultaneously cautious and crazy, empowering and enigmatic. Without a doubt, beautiful. With clear vision, like magic, a network of support formed in my life that promoted my health in all ways. I came back to a fully alive version of me.

I got my life back.

And best of all, the current that healed and guided me to trust life carried me to share the tools that I have learned. And this is why I teach yoga. Regardless of what my mind says, from the inside I am compelled to share the practice that helps us be better for everything in life. I teach because my life depends upon it and so does yours. The principles and practice that connected me to healing are universally effective whether our needs are emotional, mental, physical or spiritual. This practice works in all ways to make life better whether we "just" want to live a happy life (YES!) or if we need deep healing. Yoga practice, it's philosophy and physicality, empowers us to heal and mend all wounds and to establish healthy patterns so that we can live fully alive. It strengthens our intuition and yokes us directly to the source of life that is US so that we live with our lights on...we enlighten ourselves in the most grounded sense of the word. And then life (love, health, joy, compassion) becomes exponential. Then, collectively, we rise up.