The Ache

by Stephanie F. Earls

Do you have it? Not just a sore foot or tired back, I am talking the ache. Deep, tender, vulnerable, confusing ache. The sort of ache that makes you feel like nothing matters. It might have a physical manifestation or maybe something less tangible like a heavy fog settled around your heart.  It's not always there but now and then it'll creep up and cause you to wonder why or what or who. You look around at your life and see the sum total of your parts does not seem to justify the ache, which makes it so much harder to accept. Everything should be good. Things should make sense. You should be happy. You should not have the ache.

These days despite all the beauty, gratitude and devotion in our lives, many of us still experience the ache.  It's not that we are not inspired, it's not that we are bitter. It's not that we are asleep at the wheel.  On the contrary, the ache has surfaced precisely because we decided to wake up. We became aware. We have awakened something in ourselves that says, "hey, I'm here! And, living half a life is not the way I want to live anymore." Do we mourn our losses? Sure. Do we long to feel whole? Of course. But just because we notice the ache does not mean we are stuck on our loss or less than whole already. It simply means we have begun waking up to our full expression.

As soon as you wake up from your sleepy self you notice the part of you that has been most deeply at rest. It might feel a little tired, it might ache.

Imagine it this way: after a year as a couch potato, you run a mile.  The next day, how do you feel? You probably ache. Maybe tender quads and calves, a vulnerable back or all over deep tired.  It's confusing because you did something to help yourself and you feel ache. But this ache is not debilitating, it is new awareness of those parts of you that were less active until now.  The ache might tempt you to say "running sucks" but now those parts and you have new blood, new energy, new life force flowing through them like never before. They are alive and you know it.  You are aware.

So, what do those parts need? The hard*ss will tell you to stop your whining and get out there and run again, to keep limber and active. The softy will suggest a little tlc:  a rub or warm bath. Both say patience and a little time.

So while you are walking around in these fast moving days of change and growth, when you wake up, keep up.  If you feel the ache ask yourself if it throbs because you are not working it or because you are.  And you know the answer. Treat it like the part of you that was sleeping for a while and got a little sore because you woke it up.  Follow the hard*ss advice: stop your whining and continue exercising your wake up. Follow the softy's words and give yourself a little tlc. Maybe a combination of both.  Try some patience and time. Breathe here. Remind yourself you are growing. You woke up! You've brought in new energy, new life force.

You don't have to change anything and you don't have to judge the ache. Just notice it. Stay aware and you will stay open. Just like running again the next day, awareness will keep the spirit limber in your body. With a little awareness you will find patience. With a little time you will transform. And soon you will realize the ache was just a little growing pain.