Healing

by Stephanie F. Earls

Dear Friends,

I want to share with you something that has been really awesome for me and which I hope will inspire you to keep on with your hopes, dreams, wishes...whatever their size.

Lately I have been doing a lot of yoga (as you know) whether it be teaching or studying or playing. I have been able to see my body through to new places, places that always seemed like somewhere "those" people could go, but probably not me.

For 10 years I struggled to enjoy life,  weak and sick with Crohn's Colitis. Three years ago, having diarrhea 25 times a day (an underestimate if anything), bleeding from my intestines and finding little relief from medicine, I decided to go "balls to the wall" to heal myself.  I know that expression is not so eloquent (can women even use that?) but it's the truth. My back was against the wall,  I was tired of managing sickness and committed to heal.

About that time when I changed my mind, my mom gave me a cd set to listen to by Louise Hay.  Hay was talking about healing your life and though it struck me a bit corny, I had put my vision so steadfast on healing that anything that seemed remotely relevant got my attention. I decided that each day while I worked out on my dad's elliptical machine I would listen to the cds and try anything she suggested (because she had healed her life).

She had one exercise that struck me. She said if I really wanted to heal I had to be willing to change because my current patterns were not keeping me well. The exercise, which I still use from time to time, was to put your hand on your throat (a creative and expressive energy center), look in the mirror, into your own eyes and repeat three times, "I am willing to change."  I took her seriously and did the exercise, but wondered, what possibly could change in my life?  She warned...be ready, things will change.  I could not imagine.

Within six months my then 11 1/2 year marriage began to dissolve.  Within a year I was gathering lots of new information, learning how to take care of myself and my kids in a new way and how to share my skills.  I trained as a birth doula and started my certification to teach yoga.  Within a year and a half my health started to change and I began to carve a niche for myself professionally. Within two years I was divorced, teaching more and within two and a half years I settled into teaching,  advanced my healing work and launched my website.

Now, three years later, sparked at a recent yoga workshop (part of my 500hr yoga teacher training) I got the chance to see how far I've come.  At this workshop I saw my body through to some amazing places, postures I once only dreamed of attempting I was now expressing.  It was empowering, exciting, humbling. But most of all it was a gift, and not because of any fancy position I could put myself into, but because for 8 hours I could participate in a workshop. I could listen, observe, attempt, experience, fall, laugh, cry, share, attempt again, listen more, rest, absorb....have lunch and come back for more. And not once did I get up to have diarrhea or feel a stomach cramp or bleed, or experience any anxiety connected to living with chronic dis-ease. It stopped me in my tracks.  I started to see all the places I have been able to grow (teaching, road trips, lunch with friends, time at the beach, airplane rides, walking my dog....) without a care about dis-ease.

I am healthy, strong, vibrant. My stomach is at ease, no cramps, no panic, no hurried trips to the bathroom, no bleeding intestines.

My body has become my friend.  And, as much as I use my body and find new ways to express my spirit, my body has in a way become irrelevant. When I was sick, my whole life revolved around my bowels. Even if I put on a good face, every thought, every move, every trip, every bite, every bit of rest revolved around what my bowels were doing. Three years later they are not a thought. And the more strong and capable my body has become, the less I actually think about it, the less I plan around it,....the more I enjoy it.

This has been a gift for me which I am eternally grateful for and thank the stars, god and the people who have seen me through to this place.

But for all the support around me, it is a gift that I had to find in myself, being willing and committed and then, practicing, day in, day out. And I am not talking about yoga asana. I am talking about believing I could heal, being willing to change, believing I could live a better life, and keeping my thoughts committed to that venture.

Were there days in the last three years that I was not sure? Of course. But I kept my thoughts on my goal. And I remembered, I could at least change my thoughts in relation to my disease and at most, accept the encouragement of those who had faith in me when I felt unsure.

If you are trying to change something in your life or create a wish come true, whether it be your health or your state of mind or a situation, I hope you can read this and feel some strength, some resolve and some faith in yourself. You can do it. Just decide.  Once you decide everything you need around you to support your decision will appear, like magic. Some things may be in disguise but they will be there to strengthen you and show you your path. I know this. If you are doubtful, use my words, use the energy I write this with, to carry you through your doubt. I promise. You can heal, you can have what you want in life, you can create, you can enjoy.

Now don't take my word for it. Try it.

Love, Steph