Listening to Yourself

by Stephanie F. Earls


In teaching yoga I often remind the yogis who practice with me that while I may be guiding them through postures, the goal of yoga is to turn in and tune in, to yourself.  Despite what is going on around them, I remind them to honor the teacher within, to back off if something does not feel right or go with it if it does.  That's yoga, and really, it's life. But for as often as we hear the words, and for those of us who teach, as often as we say them, sometimes it's easier said than done.  It takes practice.

I attend a lot of yoga classes, events, workshops. I am practiced in following my heart and finding things that work for me and yet, this weekend, in a workshop that was a total mismatch for me I came face to face with how some situations can still challenge us to trust ourselves.  In the first five minutes of this class I had a hunch it was not a fit. With some reluctance but keeping an open mind, I participated for an hour and a half, trying to convince myself to stay put and see it through. Why?? My ego piped up with all sorts of stories and questions about what it meant if I cut out, but push came to shove and I decided to do something I never do: pack up my mat and leave at the half way mark. 

For 10 minutes on my way out I argued with myself about whether I was dogging out or avoiding myself. I wondered if it "looked bad". I started to beat myself up for not totally loving this class, with a world traveled, respected yogi. I wondered what was wrong with me.

And then it hit me, for all the guidance I offer about honoring yourself, here I was second guessing my inner teacher.  It was a reality check about how hard it can be, even in seemingly simple situations, for us to honor ourselves when we find ourselves needing to go the other way.  This gets compounded when we come up against an authority in our field, family, faith or community.  There can be many factors that weigh on our decision, many voices, many ideas, some from outside but most in our own head.

Our own minds can do funny things, trying to keep us in our box when what it really comes down to is as simple as: is this working for me or, is this not working for me?  We are our own authority. We make the decision. There is no answering, There is no judgement. There is no right and no wrong. There is only realizing what works for us and what doesn't.  It might be a yoga posture, it might be a job, it might be a relationship, it might be a medicine. But it all comes down to ourselves and how we feel, what we want. 

This experience reminded me of how I felt years ago when I bumped up against similar internal challenges, sick with Crohn's Colitis.  In the care of compassionate, smart doctors, there was a time when I was afraid to say "no" to certain prescriptions or tests, figuring the doctors knew better than me, how I would heal. But when my health was not improving, and things did not feel right, I had to get brave, hear my inner voice and be willing to speak up about what was going on for me and how I wanted to pursue my healing. It was a challenge. "They" were the authority. The funny thing was, once I got strong and spoke to my doctors about how I wanted to heal, they were receptive and encouraging!  And beyond my doctors, my whole life started to change to support my healing. It was just up to me to decide what I wanted and act upon it.

As I was reminded this weekend, sometimes easier said than done, but once done, always better. Once we decide to follow our inner voice and what works for us, we feel free.  We get to practice. We get to know ourselves better. We get the support we need. We heal. We laugh. We love. We realize our dreams.