the day you died and were born

by Stephanie F. Earls


Today my mom's mom is dying. She's been dying a slow death, set in by Alzheimer's but now her insides burst and her body will not likely hold up.  She started to slip away before our eyes years ago and one day I realized how much I missed her, though she stood before me.


But under the mess and fog of it all you could still see a sparkle in her eye if you caught her at the right moment.  I saw that today while she lay in the middle of living and dying and it reminded me of the current we each have, even while we think we are in the fog, or the dark even.  With a little surrender (or a good friend to remind you), you can connect.   Ask me on my darkest day and I'll probably cry and tell you (or tell myself) it's all for nothing. But when I surrender to the grace that is all around, I know better, I feel it.  I even saw it in my grandmother today.


Her name is Frances. My parents gave me her name for my middle name, something I'd once been embarrassed about. And today as she winked at me in the midst of a far stranger limbo than I have ever known I felt so proud that I share something as special as a name with her.  I hope somewhere in my life I will share the sparkle in her eye, too.


When I was much younger I went to visit her one weekend while in the middle of some big changes in my life. She greeted me and took me on the side, just us.  Looking into my eyes she held my hands. She looked deep into my eyes and asked if I was happy. It was all she cared about, that I was happy. She'd have given me her happiness if she could. Perhaps today I looked into her eyes for the last time, not sure what I would see. She has been partly gone so long. And like a gift from her sweetest and deepest truth, as I smiled at her, thinking of that day and how all we want is for the ones we love to be happy,  she winked at me and shared her sparkle. 


It was her eternal. 


Surely this was one of the greatest gifts I could have ever received, and never would have dreamed of receiving. 


As I held her hands, I looked at my grandfather. Both of us with tears in our eyes. They've been together over 60 years. They are the picture of partnership. They have the thing we all look at as the dream and wonder if we'll have, and wonder whether it's even real.  As tears welled up in his eyes he just said, "she sang to me every day, she told me, 'you are my life' and she kissed me. Everyday."


And he appreciated it.


I look at my grandparents who have lived it literally for better and for worse and with all the time they've shared, it is still too much to bear to let go of the dream.


It comes in many forms: sometimes as an old married couple, sometimes as a new family, sometimes as a friend who's brave enough to throw you a light even while you're in your cave, sometimes as a prayer, a smile, a sparkle in the eye or a wink, sometimes even as walking away or shedding a tear. But we all know on some level, while we're alive we're hoping...


In the words from one of my favorite movies, The Princess Bride: "whatcha got here, that's worth livin' for?"


... "true love."


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for those we've lost, for moments or lifetimes:




the day you died and were born
by Stephanie F. Earls


this day, that day
came slowly and quietly,
and fast and loud,
a thought sneaking up on me
all at once

it was rainy and sunny

cold and warm,

stormy and still

all at once

it was there, or here
not there, not here
i'm sure and not sure,
all at once

your light became bigger and smaller
a little bit closer and a little bit farther
all at once

you were here and not here

and i wanted to get to you

and i wanted to let you go

all at once

then you winked at me
and you were there, or here
and we had the sparkle
between us
that told me
i'm in your heart
and you're in mine

i grieved and celebrated
so long ago
and just now
all at once