Our Tender Truth

by Stephanie F. Earls

Last week a young man jumped off a bridge to his death. That is a fact. It has been speculated that the death was prompted when his tender truth was aired in public. Since I did not know him, I do not know the reasons, but it got me (and the world) thinking about the effects of being in the fish bowl that this world can be.

This sort of tragedy happens everyday. People's personal, tender selves are aired out as spectacle. It might be famous athletes or politicians or neighbors...people whose lives are just like everyone else's until they come under the fire of judgement and scrutiny. They might succumb to a literal death or they might suffer a living death.  And for what?   Perhaps our deaths, whatever form they take, help burn us down to ashes so we can rebuild in better truth, but the scrutiny and judgement of it all is something else.  I suspect it serves sometimes just to distract ourselves from the work we really could be doing, on ourselves.

We all die a little each day when we live in fear of what we or others will think of our most tender truth.

Whether we like it or not, there are parts of each of us that we feel are too tender to show the world. They could be emotional or physical parts. They could be linked to our thoughts or our actions.  And if we get real we can feel how hard it would be on any of us, to have some of our most tender wounds or loves or regrets or insecurities, exploited.  Even our own self judgement can be too much to bear.

But we can transform.   As our tender truths come to the surface (our own, inner surface), they are just looking for acknowledgement that they are as much a part of us as the things we have already grown courageous enough to show. Loving yourself enough to see your truth and being kind to yourself about whatever it is, and extending that kindness to others is part of the path we are on. In opening ourselves to our wounds or loves or regrets this way, we can heal them and get to the depth of the real truth of us: that we are amazing, perfect and beautiful.

This is a key component of healing: accepting yourself. Totally.

It might sometimes be hard to look at ourselves but on the path to freedom and healing, we yearn (maybe it's just me) to live in a way that we can show ourselves more completely and more freely. We are striving to become so comfortable, understanding  and forgiving of ourselves that no matter what others think or say we will not lose sight of our worth.

Sometimes it is easier to see the worth in others, to feel more compassionate, forgiving and understanding of others.  We can see their fear or their love objectively.  If so, we can use that to access our own sense of self acceptance, turning our love for others inward.

Whether we work from accepting ourselves from the inside, out, or from accepting others and turning that from the outside, in (or a combination of both!) we take on the courageous task of becoming the light we are.

Part of yoga philosophy are the yamas and niyamas or, the restraints and observances, the "dos" and "don'ts". They are guidelines, suggestions for living to help you connect to yourself and others in a way that frees you.

The yamas and niyamas are help, they are a backbone, not judgement, and bring you deeper into self study.  They function to cultivate and support mental well being, a critical step in becoming well emotionally, sprititually, physically and energetically.  They are a practice for the mind, which is imperative as we practice with the body (asana) and breath (pranayama).  Through balancing our interconnected mind, breath and body, we can transform ourselves.  This transformation, this self study, is no light task but it is of light. It takes courage, patience and ultimately love.

For this reason I appreciate that the first yama or "do" is ahimsa. Ahimsa is often translated as non-violence or non-harming. Our words are powerful so, I like to call it kindness.  This yama gets to the heart of how we approach ourselves and others: being kind, compassionate and non-harming in thought, word or deed. Sometimes it is a challenge but it is the practice. And you do not even need to go to a yoga class to do it.

It is more than yoga, it's life.

If we extend our words, actions and thoughts from a place of kindness, willing to be gentle with ourselves and not hurt ourselves for what we see, we will become kinder, more compassionate to the outside world.

We will hear news of someone's tender truth being aired and feel the pain not just of their despair, but of our own, knowing we too have loves or wounds, regrets or insecurities so tender.  We will also feel compassion for those who could not see the effects of their cause before the effect manifested.

Every move we make, every action we take, every thought we have, every word we speak, somewhere underneath it all we are the same.  We want to love and be loved. We want to be accepted, to know we matter, and to share.

We can start with ourselves. It might be tough, but not tougher than us.

We can separate out the superficial details using judgement, or we can use ahimsa, kindness, and give ourselves and others the gentleness of our understanding. And if there is no understanding yet, just admitting that we do not understand can be kindness enough to begin to free our tender truths, continue our healing and open our hearts to our love.